What The Report Said |
What It Meant |
| While on routine patrol... | I was in the car because the coffee shop was closed. |
| The motorist was operating his vehicle in a reckless manner... | He had a bumper sticker that said "BAD COP-NO DONUT" |
| The accident scene and the safety of the victims prevented this officer from doing traffic control... | It was raining. |
| This officer went out-of-service to obtain intelligence information from a street informant... | It was too hot to ride in the car. |
| I observed the suspect acting in a suspicious manner... | The dirt-bag let go with an "Oink" as I walked by. |
| Knowing the suspect had a criminal history... | He puked on my uniform one night... |
| The informant is of known credibility and has provided reliable information in the past... | I've got two theft cases hanging over his head... |
| While being arrested, this subject resisted, being injured in the act... | He ripped my shirt and broke my new mirror sunglasses... |
| The motorist was cited for multiple traffic violations... | I wrote one citation for each swearword he used... |
| Upon announcing my title and purpose, I heard a voice from inside the house say "Come in" so this writer entered through the door... | The rap music was so loud they wouldn't have heard Patton's army so I kicked in the door. |
| The members of the press at the scene were offered every courtesy within departmental policies... | I sent them to a nonexistent address which I called the "Command Post." |
| I gave the motorist a verbal warning for speeding... | She was a good-looking blonde who owned a liquor store and who was free after my shift was over. |
| The Lieutenant appeared at the scene and took command... | I sent him to the same address as the reporters. |
| Further interview of the witness was impossible, due to conditions.. | It was my bowling night.... |
| The motorist's eyes were glassy, he had slurred speech, was unsteady on his feet, and smelled strongly of an alcoholic beverage... | He was howling at the moon and trying to drive the car from the back seat. |
| Using only enough force to restrain the subject... | My favorite song is "Drop-kick me Jesus Through the Goal Post of Life". |
| The defendant asked this officer's advice on how to act before the judge at his arraignment... | I told him he didn't have the balls to call the judge the same name he called me. |